What takes place in my outside world is not too different from what it is that I am feeling within. I have enjoyed sharing and understanding my life from inside out so why don't we continue on that journey as this next chapter in my life unfolds....
It has not been easy (on an emotional, mental or financial level) to come back from India. There are days that I look at myself and wonder, "Holy Fucking Shit....What the FUCK was I thinking? How on Earth am I going to start from scratch again?" I catch myself crying randomly. On some days, the sun in shining not just in the sky but also in my heart and on other days I can barely make it out of the dark head space my feelings like to go hide in. One day I am all chirpy and happy and the next moment, I could be a puddle of water. I think the only thing that is keeping me sane and moving forward is Yoga or walking in the nature.
I know my friends are witnessing a huge shift in me. I know they somewhat recognize the old Falguni but also realize that this new one has returned jaded. I don't expect them to stand by me during this phase of life but DAMN IT, they have a heart of gold. They chose to stand by me during these dark times and I am ONLY Grateful to them to help me see that light that I can't seem to see on certain days...I could be in the dumps (emotionally) or I could say something mean, but they know how to be patient with me and pull me out of it. I am truly blessed to be loved the way I am and taken care by my friends. Thanks guys. :)
Another realization that has been creeping in is that I have always depended on men to be there for me for when I fall. I want to lean on another guy when my heart is broken. I want to contact my ex and hold on to him so that this pain within is not so painful; in the midst ignoring my own masculine energy that is patiently waiting for its feminine energy to turn towards it. We all have feminine and masculine energy within us. Left side is feminine. Right side is masculine. Left is connected to the moon, right to the sun. I have noticed that my whole life my female energy has its head turned towards the left looking for love outside of myself. Instead of looking at the male energy and finding the balance within I have looked outside to find it outside of me. How can I feel whole, if I don't allow my energies to collide, confide, meet within each other? Today I ask my feminine to meet the masculine within. Today I ask myself to Love myself just the way I am. Today I ask to recognize that I cannot be balanced until the two unite...and today I have done just that
I love the person within ... I love the person that I am becoming....and today I experience and recognize the Union of my Masculine and Feminine ...
With Love
Aum
