lessons I learned along the way......

These past few months in India have been a journey of their own... What haven't I learned? It feels like I just went through a crash course in "reality" and I did not even have a chance to take time to digest it all...Had to gulp it down the throat, but its all for good, right? like they say, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. It for sure does not feel like that in the beginning but it does when we look at that ray of hope.

First and foremost, Thank You all for reading my posts and staying with me on my journey. I know I have been in some really dark places and you have been there for me, by my side. Knowing that my friends are with me on this journey, helps :) I don't think these last few months would have been possible without my friend's strength and support....Maitreyi, Neha, Radhika you have been my pillar and I am sincerely grateful to Creator to have given me all of u....Adeline, Harold, Jerms, Julie, Sarah, Sheelagh...and the list has only begun...Maybe Universe took my parents but in return gave me amazing friends that have become family with time. I heart you all...<3 and how could I forget my sister? She has her own unique way of expressing her love for me. :)

Toughest lesson has been "boundaries". What is allowed and what is not allowed when you are in a relationship with someone, that is something I learned from my previous relationship. Now in the U.S our boundaries are different. We can still go up to our ex's (if your relationship has ended peacefully) and hug them and actually have a genuine conversation with them, but in India even talking to a married or taken man is not something that is taken well by anyone in the society. Forget hugging, even saying "hello" might be taken in a wrong way. Now coming from such a vast culture (specially living in San Francisco; where everything is allowed) India has been a tough, tight place to BE in.

So, I stayed pretty protected from politics and lies in States. I purposely chose to stay in jobs and situations where I knew I did not need to sell my soul for money. Cause if I did, I knew myself well enough, I would not be able to sleep at night knowing I had to climb the corporate ladder stepping on someone else and that was not fathomable for me. So instead I decided to stay in low paying jobs knowing I could at least get a good nights sleep and that my conscious was clear, keeping myself away from politics and lies. But all the protection went right out of the window as soon as i stepped back in India. In States, corruption/ politics take place at a much senior level but in India it starts the moment you are born. You have to be smart enough to be able to tackle the way of life here. It is the survival of the fittest the moment you are born......after all, you are living in a population of 1billion; everyone fighting for recognition and money. Its not an easy race and the worst part is you are in it even if you don't want to be.

So then how do you cope with all of that? We learn the art of detachment; keeping people at arm's length and seeing life for what it is instead of sugar coating it. aaaahhhhhh... so much easier said then done :) I have been lucky to have some really good friends but according to what I hear, they are rare to come by. Trust is a big issue; pouring your heart out just may not be your best bet, here

In short all I am here to say is, I am GRATEFUL... .for Life, for Experiences... for Moments that I may not be able to capture in words but I am only grateful for it ALL. Cause they have made me strong....hopefully a step away from seeing the world just the way it is instead of sugar coating it...Hopefully having the stomach to digest it all.

I am Blessed and Thank You all for Being here...
Love

Maturing or desensitizing, I can't tell...

Life is tough. Its a struggle. You have to fight for your truth and what it is that your truly believe in. Maturing and growing up sometimes can be very painful. You have to keep people at arms length to be able to see what it is that you are even looking at, whether that be the truth or a lie. Now I know why Bapu says, "Samyak distance jaroori che," meaning balanced distance is necessary in any relationship to be able to see the entire truth. And we all know, keeping people at arms length is NOT my expertise.

Our fight begins from within, may that be on a cellular level, ex: good cells trying to out beat a virus when exposed to it, may that be positive thoughts outweighing the negative ones. Now when I am keeping people at arms length what I am seeing in not such a pretty picture. You really get to see the ugly along with the good. You really get to see people what they are for. Not just a pretty picture but all of it. Maybe this is called maturing? I have always had a bubble around my head, my eyes. I always choose to believe good in everyone and mind you, there is but it also comes with a balance of equal amount of bad. I was being blinded by the only good and wanted to bring and see only good in everyone and when the bad did appear i usually wanted to run away from it.

I happen to have a weak stomach for when humans are being mean to another human may that be in an argument or even a fight. Last night my sister and her husband were watching this documentary on Burma and I just happened to walk in from my trip that i had taken for last 1 week. I shared bits and pieces of my trip and they paused the movie while i was sharing my story. After i was done sharing they hit "play" button and the next scene they showed on their DVD were gunshots. Policemen shooting at innocent people that were standing up for their rights and their truth in a riot. I was about to take a bite of my pizza and instead I almost went straight to the bathroom to throw up after watching that scene. I could not stomach how one human being in power could do that to another human being for standing up for their truth and YES I am aware that it happens on every level, including cellular/ molecular but still it jolts me to see it happen specially to innocent people without any guns to defend themselves with. Even more interesting was to see that neither my sister nor my brother in law even flinched at what was being shown on their Samsung big screen plasma. WOW!!! have we become so numb to violence? we must have stomach of irons to digest what we are seeing in this real world. Where has the humanity disappeared? Was I living in a cave until now to not have seen or exposed to all this? Why as humans have we allowed this kind of violence to continue? Do we not see that the person in front of us is none other than our brother or our sister? That we are all connected and killing the person in front of us is killing an aspect of us? Have we become so dead that we allow ALL this to take place on a regular base?

Telling lies have become a way of our lives. Blaming someone else is easier than to take a moment to see that maybe I too might be at fault. Pointing fingers is much easier than taking responsibility for our own actions. And we all want to cop out and do just that. Growing up means taking responsibility. Growing up means recognizing that I too have faults. Growing up means fighting for what your truly believe in and it does not have to be with guns, its usually standing up for what you believe in.

I feel like I lived a sheltered life for a long time and now that I am in the outside world called India, I am seeing things I do not have the strength to digest. Lies, Ego, deceit, corruption, anger, blaming...name it. its a harsh lesson to learn specially when you have to stand in ALL of it and still find strength to speak your truth or even believe in humanity. Standing at that junction of strengthening my stomach to digest the life the way it is being thrown at me, maturing to see it for what it is and still finding some ray of hope that there is still "good in human beings". And for once I cannot and do NOT choose to run from it anymore. I need to go through this phase of life as well. i guess its ALL a part of that learning. I guess its ALL a part of maturing/ growing  up and finding strength to survive this battlefield.

May the Force BE with me